Can I do this? Can I not?

I had a doctor’s appointment last Thursday. I have them every few months to check my blood pressure and get my prescriptions refilled. But this time, I also went in wanting to discuss something specific with him.

See, thing is.. I am fat. I’ve been overweight for as long as I can remember. I was going to Weight Watchers when I was in grade school, and again when I was high school. I did the no-carb “Mayo Clinic Diet” about 10 years ago… managed to lose about 35-40 pounds before plateauing and deciding I liked potatoes too much.. and missed having toast with my eggs.  Last time I had any luck losing weight was the 30+ pounds I lost during a fit of depression over a broken relationship about five years ago. Not something I want to go through again just to lose weight.

But even through all that, despite the fact I wasn’t in all that great of shape, I was active. I’d go camping and it would be nothing to go on a three.. five.. or more mile hike in the afternoon. I’d be out on the paintball field for hours. Or I could easily walk around Lake Phalen with my friend Chele.

That’s changed the last couple years. I can’t make it to the paintball field without getting winded. For the first time in my life, going for a walk means back pain (on top of the ever present knee issues I’ve been fighting since a teen).  I’m not sure I could make it 3-5 blocks right now, let alone miles.

So I talked to my doctor today about bariatric surgery. Gastric by-pass to be more specific.

Yea… I know it’s a huge deal. I was telling myself as recently as a year ago that doing something like this is a life-style altering deal. That I should be able to do that on my own, I shouldn’t need surgery to make that change for me. But a year later, I’m weighing more than I ever have at around 370, and sure friends will tell me that I don’t look like I weigh that much… and I have seen and know people that seem to look bigger than I am but say they weigh much less… so I’m not sure whats up ther, but the bottom line is, for the last year or more I have been feeling physically worse overall than I ever have, and I’m on the downhill side of 40. I guess now I’m not so sure.

Have I tried “everything”? No. And I’m not going to make excuses. I’m just feeling like I’m running out of options… and mostly time. So I have an appointment on the 31st to meet with a surgeon to see if I “qualify” for the surgery.  Given family history and such… I’m not sure why I wouldn’t. But… I also have no clue what the final criteria is.

I’ve been reading, and reading and reading material on the net. Lots of personal experience blogs, etc. Based on what I’ve seen I’m not sure how I wouldn’t qualify, unless I fail the psyc eval or something? I dunno.

Originally, I wasn’t going to post this right away. I was going wait until after the 31st and see what happened then. But… well, it’s not like I can hide the fact that I’m fat. And if I qualify there’s going to be some major stuff to deal with before the surgery. I work in a small company, they’re going to know something is going on. I’m going to have to miss a major chunk of work at some point so they’re gonna have to be kept in the loop. My family will know.. friends, most of them will know. I guess on top of that, my “online life” has always been rather open. I don’t see any reason to change that now.

I don’t really have anything to hide, so maybe by starting to document some of this now, I can get feedback, information and more from all over the place, and utimately it will help me figure out if this is what I want to do… if this is going to be something I can do.

image credit: bionicteachings via flicker